Here's a tenant that calls me on the weekend because it's 'freezing' in her apartment.  I leave my kids and rush to her place.  She tells me that she has her stat set to 90 and is pissed that the temp only goes to 75.  I simply told her that her furnace was fine.  Here is her text just after I leave.

When using a Zone contractor-explain it carefully...then explain it a few more times.

My tenant didn't like his front window and bought a used one.  I told him that I'd send Johnny over to install it.  when I drove by, I had to do a double take.  Johnny installed it sideways  (He has since installed it correctly).

This is not my building but I do own one close by.  The stickers are evidence markers, so at lease 41 bullet holes are in this place.  A young boy was shot in the leg.  

When Mr. Fluffy was thrown out of a second story window, he hit the concrete hard enough to knock the 9 lives out of him.

MKE DNS said that this gravel lot behind my duplex couldn't be used so I had to block it off.   For this, I used rail road ties secured with 1/2" re-bar.  3 pieces, each 3' deep.

2 weeks later, my tenants told me that they were woken up at 3 am by a drunk Mexican (their words) that hit the tie so hard that his front tires went over it and were in the air.  He had no way to back up and thought that sounding his horn until someone came to his aid was his best option.

This sounds like a punchline but I found some brand new work boots in the garbage today.